My Campaign to be Sports Czar

My fellow Earthicans. I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the office of Imperial Grand Commissioner of All Things Sport. This job will come with the daunting task of fixing everything that's broke in sports. It's a massive job but I'm up to it! Here are some of the changes I will implement during my first 100 days in office (this is a life-time post).

Performance Enhancing Substances - Any player in any sport at any level found to be using/used PES's will be banned from all sport for life, have any official records purged from the record books, forced to work the night shift at Denny's as a wait-person dealing with the drunks that come in at 3am & always stiff on the tip. Minimum sentence 20 years and a boot to the head.
Gambling - Any player, coach, referee, umpire, judge or official of any sport at any level found to be wagering on their sport will be banned from all sport for life, forced to work on the loading dock at Home Depot for a minimum of 20 years and receive a boot to the head.
Rooting Requirements of the Fan - In order for a particular team to be your favorite team you must meet the following requirements:
1. You must reside or have resided in the city or state where that team is located. If there is no team in your state you must root for the team located the closest to your residence.
2. If rooting for a college team you must reside/resided in that school's city or state. If there is no MAJOR college in your state you must root for the school located the closest to your residence. If you take classes on-line from a particular school you are allowed to root for that team.
3. Just because a family member can legally root for a team does not mean you are allowed to do so.
Any person found to be rooting illegally will not be allowed access to a TV whenever that team is playing, any team branded apparel will be confiscated and the offender will receive a boot to the head.
Proper Wearing of Baseball or Baseball Style Caps - Baseball caps will be worn with the bill to the front and level at ALL times. The only exceptions are:
1. Boys under the age of six are permitted to wear them backwards but are not allowed to wear them sideways.
2. The person playing the position of catcher in baseball or softball is allowed to wear their cap backwards only while playing that position in the field.
3. Females of any age are allowed to wear their hats backwards but they may not wear them sideways.
Any person found to be in violation of this rule will have their hats confiscated, fined $500 and receive a boot to the head.
General Manager of the Dallas Cowboys - Jerry Jones is hereby ordered to relinquish all coaching personnel and player personnel authority. He is also banned from appearing on the sidelines at any point while the game is in progress. Failure to follow this edict will result in a $500 million fine, his toupee being removed in public and a boot to the head.
Ownership of the Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban is hereby banned from sitting court side at any and all Mavericks games. Mr. Cuban will be required to sit in his private booth (a minimum of 300 feet from the court) during the game and will be kept under armed guard for the duration of the game. He is also required to get a hairstyle befitting an adult worth millions of dollars. Failure to follow this edict will result in a $1 billion fine, a public head shaving and a boot to the head.
NFL Title Recognition - The only NFL championships that will be recognized are those won in the Super Bowl era. IE If a fan gets in someones face because their team won the 1922 league title they will be fined $100 and receive a boot to the head.
Fan Taunting - It is not permissible to taunt the fan of another team if your team has won fewer championships. IE A fan of the New Orleans Saints is not permitted to get in the face of a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Violators of this rule are subject to a $250 fine and a boot to the head.
Player Taunting - If a member of a team that is being severely beaten makes a great play and taunts the members of the other team the offending player will be banned without pay for the remainder of the season, kicked in the groin by the opposing players, fined $10,000 and booted in the head.

These are just some of the rules and regulations I plan on implementing immediately. These changes will not come easily but with the help of decent sports fans everywhere I'm confident we will clean up the sports world and make things better for everyone.