Someone a lot smarter than me said this:

"Educate and inform the whole mass of the people... They are the only sure reliance for the preservation of our liberty." - Thomas Jefferson

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Last Straw

Thanks to the greatness of the Golf Channel I have the opportunity to watch quite a bit of the PGA tournaments and having watched a lot of the PGA Championship (the last major of the year) this week something has finally gotten on my nerves to the point where I'm ready to climb to the top of a tower with a sniper rifle.

Dorks shouting at the top of their lungs, "GET IN THE HOLE!" or "YOU 'DA MAN!" This has been going on for several years now. I always thought, hoped, prayed that eventually it would end on its own. But it hasn't. Now even women are doing it. So now these morons are forcing me, as Sports Czar, to issue this edict: From this day forward no individual attending a televised PGA tournament will be allowed to voice at any volume the phrases "GET IN THE HOLE!" or "YOU 'DA MAN!".

From now on I will have undercover Czar agents at all tournaments stationed throughout the course listening for violators of this law. These agents will be carrying cattle prods and will be fully authorized to dispense the following punishments:

Anyone screaming "YOU 'DA MAN!" at any point on any golf course during a televised tournament will receive one jolt from the cattle prod and be immediately thrown off the course into on-coming traffic if possible.

Anyone screaming "GET IN THE HOLE!" from a par 3 tee box or after a putt will receive two jolts from the cattle prod and be dumped feet first into the nearest port-a-potty.

Anyone screaming "GET IN THE HOLE!" from the tee box of a par 4 or par 5 will receive three jolts from the cattle prod and be dumped head first into the nearest port-a-potty.

When this practice first started it was mildly amusing. Congratulating your favorite golfer on hitting a monster drive or believing you can intimidate a golf ball into falling into the cup by screaming at it loud enough were fun things for fans to do at golf tournaments. Now it's just gotten to be obnoxious. Screaming "YOU 'DA MAN!" when Tiger takes a drink of Gatorade or yelling "GET IN THE HOLE!" when Mickelson tees off on a 650 yard par 5 is just plain stupid!

So thanks to the legions of idiots at golf tournaments that think they're the first people to ever yell these phrases I'm having to put a stop to it for the betterment of the game and to save the sanity of the viewers at home.