A Letter to Jerry Jones

Dear GM Jerry:

First of all yes, I did enjoy those three Super Bowls.  I enjoyed them very much.  Thank you.  But it’s been a VERY long time since that last Super Bowl and I think it’s about time for some long overdue changes.  The last really good move you made as owner/GM/head cook/dish washer of the Dallas Cowboys was to hire Jimmy Johnson.  Then, because poor little you felt you weren’t getting enough credit fired the coach that had just won back-to-back titles (BTW-Title three was Jimmy’s too and you know it). 

It’s been seventeen years of absolute garbage coming out of Valley Ranch.  The fans of this team (of which I am one) expect better.  Many of us were fans long before you bought this team.  And a large portion of us will still be here long after you’re gone.  Is this really what you want you legacy to be?  You’ve been a great owner.  But let’s face facts.  As a GM you stink! 

You’ve spent the last seventeen seasons plus one draft trying to prove to the world what a genius you are by making idiotic draft trades and signing washed up free agents to ridiculous contracts.  You’ve hired one puppet coach after another with one exception and you only hired him to get a new stadium built. 

You, Jerry Jones, are a narcissist that’s surrounded himself with sycophants and I despise you because of what you’ve done and continue to do to the football team I’ve loved since long before you signed a check.  I, along with most of my friends, were rabid Cowboys fans but over the last seventeen years you’ve slowly drained that passion from us and replaced it with apathy.  There was a time when I wouldn’t miss a Cowboys game come hell or high water.  Now if that collection of ill-fitting parts is playing I might watch if I have nothing better to do.  And I can’t begin to tell you how angry that makes me. 

Isn’t it time you stop tarnishing the star you’re so proud to own?  Stop ruining Sunday afternoons and nights and Monday nights and Thanksgivings for the millions of people who consider themselves Cowboys fans.  You’re travelling down the same path that Al Davis took the Raiders down.  Is that what you want for this team?  Do you want it to get to the point where that monument you built to your ego is barely half full for games?

Resign as GM and do what you do best: Market and promote the Cowboys and your stadium.  Make all the stupid rapping pizza commercials you want and let someone who knows what the hell they’re doing run the football team.

Sincerely,

A Very Disgruntled Fan                  

Dallas Cowboys: Inside the Mediocrity

Me-di-o-cre: 

Adjective: Of only moderate quality; not very good: “A mediocre manager”.

           Synonyms: middling-moderate-indifferent-ordinary
 
The last time my beloved Dallas Cowboys won the Super Bowl was January 28, 1996 when they beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XXX 27-17.  Since then under the “leadership” of owner, president, and general manager Jerry Jones they have wallowed in their own mediocrity.  Let’s take an in depth look at the kind of success GM Jerry has led this team and its fans to.
 
There have been 17 NFL season since that Super Bowl XXX victory.  That’s a total of 272 regular season games.  In that period the Cowboys have a win/loss record of 138-134.  That’s a percentage of .507, only seven thousandths of a percentage point above dead even. 
 
They have advanced to the playoffs only seven times in the last seventeen seasons.  In those seven appearances they have a record of 2-7 (.222).  Their only playoff wins coming in the 1996 Wild Card round against Minnesota and the 2009 Wild Card round against Philadelphia. 
 
In those 17 seasons they have only eight winning seasons with winning totals of 9 wins 3 times, 10 wins 3 times, 11 wins once, and 13 wins once.  They have six losing seasons with losing totals of 10 losses 3 times and 11 losses 3 times.  And they have three seasons where they have finished with records of 8-8.  Two of those being the last two seasons (2011 and 2012) missing the playoffs completely for the last three seasons.  Even during the recent “glory” days under Head Coach Bill Parcells (2003-2006) the Cowboys record was only 34-30 (.531) with two playoff appearances and zero playoff wins.
 
In the last 17 seasons the Cowboys have ushered in six head coaches.  All of which, according to Jerry, were to lead the Cowboys back to the Super Bowl.  Six men in 17 seasons mean that each of these savior coaches had an average tenure of 2.8 seasons.  During the same time frame they have rummaged through seven starting QB’s leaving an average QB tenure of 2.4 seasons.  These prime athletic specimens include NFL legends Quincy Carter, Chad Hutchinson, and Vinny Testaverde.
 
During the last 17 seasons of luke-warm crap the Cowboys have trotted out onto the field on game days the only number that makes any difference is the number “1”.  They have had one owner, one president, and one general manager.  And all of them are, unfortunately, the same person, Jerry Jones.
 
Jerry has claimed publically on countless occasions that nothing is more important to him than winning.  This is only partially true.  To Jerry nothing is more important than winning…as long as he gets the credit for it.  Jerry knows everyone gives the vast majority of the credit for past Super Bowl success to Jimmy Johnson.  Therefore Jerry’s inflated ego insists that he has to prove to everyone he is a football genius and can do it all by himself. 
 
This is why I have come to despise Jerry Jones.  He has taken a storied NFL franchise, the franchise I have lived and died with, and turned them into the very definition of mediocrity all because he must satisfy his ego with no regard to the fans that loved and supported this team long before he signed the check purchasing them.
 
The Cowboys most recent 8-8 debacle prompted Jerry to state at a press conference that there was going to be “meaningful and substantial” change at Valley Ranch.  This is a BOLD FACED LIE!  The only meaningful and substantial change can come at the position of general manager.  And the entire world knows Jerry will never replace himself as GM.  Jerry’s over-inflated ego will never let him admit it but he is completely willing to continue to run the Cowboys franchise into the mud on the off chance that he will catch lightning in a bottle and win another Super Bowl. 
 
And it’s this willingness on his part to accept middling, moderate, and ordinary results from his team that is turning a once passionate fan base totally indifferent.         

 

 

 

 

      

 

               

People of God?

 Members of the Westboro Baptist Church (3701 Southwest 12th Street, Topeka, KS 66604, 785-273-0325, http://www.godhatesfags.com/) and their "pastor", Fred Phelps, are some of the most disgusting people it has ever been my misfortune to hear about.
This den of vipers are the "Christians" responsible for protesting outside military funerals claiming that every dead soldier is God's punishment for America tolerating homosexuals. They hide behind the First Amendment while carrying signs with the slogans, "Thank God For Dead Soldiers", "God Hates Your Tears", "Thank God For 9/11", and "Thank God For IED's". It disgusts me that you use the First Amendment to spew your message of hatred the same way the KKK and Neo-Nazis do in this country. It angers me that you have the nerve to call yourselves Christians. And it fills me with rage that you torment and terrorize grieving families in the name of God! You maggots are no better than Muslim extremists or Nazi skin heads.

Let me point something out to these mental midgets: God does not hate people. God hates sin, ALL sin. God loves homosexuals but He hates their sin. God even loves dirt-bags that protest military funerals but He's probably not too crazy about them committing sin in His name. If you people were really Christians you would offer comfort and support to these families during their time of sorrow. You would show them the love and compassion that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, showed for you when He died on the cross for your sins so that you wouldn't have to face the wrath of God. I have to wonder if any of the members of this "church" have ever challenged pastor Fred to show them where in the Bible the Lord says that he will smite the soldiers of a country that tolerates homosexuals? To have perverted and twisted the Word of God into this meaning Fred Phelps is either certifiably insane or possessed by Satan.

I want to remind pastor Fred and the members of his "church" that judgement and vengeance belongs to the Lord. Someday each member of this congregation will stand before God and have to answer the question, "Why did you torment and persecute your grieving brothers in My name?" And pastor Fred will have to answer the really tough question, "Why did you command others to torment and persecute their grieving brothers in My name?"

Of all the sins I will have to answer for myself I am glad that won't be two of them.

John Lennon Was Right!

Karma is a law in Hinduism which maintains that every act done, no matter how insignificant, will eventually return to the doer with equal impact. Good will be returned with good; evil with evil. For over two years now Brett Favre has been taking a massive dump all over two different football teams and their fans. Now we've witnessed the universe reward him with a huge crap sandwich served on moldy bread.

For the record I am a Cowboys fan so I've always disliked Favre. I might have even fealt a little sorry for him back in the 90's because my beloved Cowboys OWNED him. But after the way he's acted the last couple of years I don't just dislike him I despise him!

Let's review: In March of 2008 an aging Brett Favre said, "I know I can still play but I just don't want to." And with that he retired from the Green Bay Packers whose fans almost worshipped him as a god. So the Packers did what they had to do and moved on to life without Brett the Great. Then in July, just before the start of training camp, Favre decides he wants to play again but the Packers have already moved on and they don't want him back. Still owning Favre's rights the Packers decline his demand for an unconditional release so he can go play with the Vikings. Eventually the Packers traded the cry-baby to the NY Jets for a conditional fourth round pick. Farve got off to a pretty good start with the Jets leading them to an 8-3 record in their first eleven games. Then he proceeded to crap all over team number two by losing four of their last five games throwing eight interceptions and two touchdowns. Then at the end of the season he comes out and says, "My shoulder hurts." An MRI revealed a torn bicep in his right shoulder. An injury he insisted on playing through even though it was obviously hurting the team. Then in February 2009 after successfully ruining the Jets season Favre announces retirement number two. In April 2009 the Jets released Favre from his contract opening the door for this enormous turd to pop up again anywhere he wanted.

Flash forward two short months after his second tearful retirement: June 2009 Favre makes it known that he wouldn't mind playing again for the Vikings. This couldn't have been a bigger slap in the face to Packer fans. The Packers hate the Vikings as much as the Cowboys hate the Redskins and the Red Sox hate the Yankees. So in July the Vikings (aka Bi-Queens) offer Favre a one year deal at the league minimum. Well this wasn't good enough for his holiness so he told the Bi-Queens he'd just remain retired. Then at the end of training camp in August the Queens offer Pope Brett a two year, $25 million dollar deal. Well, now you're talking! Naturally The Great One accepted this offer as it was worthy of his greatness.

So his majesty goes on to lead the Bi-Queens to a 12-4 record in 2009 and the number two seed in the NFC playoffs. In the divisional round of the playoffs the Queens beat my beloved Cowboys 34-3 with Favre rubbing salt in the wound by throwing a meaningless touchdown with less than two minutes left to play in the game. Just another example of this douche-bag padding his stats and going for personal glory. So here we have the great Brett Favre, a legend in his own mind, facing off against the New Orleans Saints for the right to go to Super Bowl XLIV (that's 44 for those Roman-numerically challenged). And finally this is where the Karmic powers finally take notice of this jerks actions over the last two years and give him a massive dose of the same crap he's been spewing forth all over the rest of the world. Little Brett throws an interception deep in Saints territory with just seconds left in regulation sending the game into over-time. Where Karma leads the Saints down the field for a game winning field goal to send Brett home to cry into his pile of money and begin formulating ways he can screw Minnesota and play for yet another team next year.

I hope this festering waste of flesh realizes that he got off easy by only losing a ball game. Personally I was hoping for a broken leg a' la Joe Theismann. Is wishing for something that didn't happen count as bad Karma?

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger...

Wow, what an idiot. I've been a huge fan of Tiger Woods on and off the course. On the course he's a brilliant golfer who settles for nothing less than perfection. Off the course he's always appeared to be a well balanced, squared away good guy. But not so much.

Here's a 35 year old guy that's got it all. He's got 100's of millions in the bank. He's well on his way to being recognized as the best golfer ever. He's got an unbelievably beautiful wife and two young children. But instead of behaving like a responsible 35 year old professional athlete and family man he's been behaving like a 19 year old frat boy away from home for the first time and nailing every nookie girl with big, fake boobs that smiles at him.

So far the nookie girl count is holding at three. I'm going to set the over/under of NG's that come forward at 8.5. Every little tramp that he's one-timed will be coming out of the wood work trying to sell their story for big money. And none of the three so far are even half as pretty as his wife! If you're going to be a cheating douche bag at least pick up hot chicks.

I have absolutely no sympathy for Tiger whatsoever. Any married man that cheats on his wife is a dirt bag. And in this case the women are scum bags too. It's not like they met some anonymous guy in a bar and didn't know he was married. Everyone of these sluts knew who Tiger was and knew he was married and had kids.

I hope the ghost of Earl Woods comes back and kicks Tiger square in the ass. I don't believe Tiger would be behaving like this if Earl was still alive. I think Earl was a big influence on Tiger when it came to him walking the straight and narrow.

If Tiger wants to save his marriage he needs to come forward now and admit everything publicly. He needs to take ownership for everything he's done wrong and beg his wife not to leave him and take the kids with her. He's no longer allowed to hide behind the shield of "my private life is my business." When you're this famous and act like a turd then you lose that privilege.

But if he wants to live the life of a rich, 19 year old douche bag then he needs get a divorce and stop trying to pass himself off as dedicated family man and professional. Hopefully he'll grow a pair and straighten his act up and try to reclaim at least a fraction of the credibility he used to have. And not for the sake of his fans and product endorsements but for the sake of his wife and children.

You pick your champ how?

One of my favorite seasons is upon us, the college football season. I love watching my beloved Longhorns take the field and, more often than not, beat the competition senseless. There's just one tiny, insignificant gripe I have about major college football...THEY DON'T HAVE A PLAYOFF SYSTEM!

How is it that football leagues from the NFL all the way down to Pee Wee have playoffs to determine their champions but major college football uses a convoluted system of coach polls, media polls, computer polls and voodoo dolls to choose the top two teams to play for its "championship"? The antiquated bowl system needs to be put out to pasture and replaced with a playoff system that will once and for all crown a legitimate NCAA football champion.

In 2008-09 there were 34 bowl games. Quick tell me the two teams that battled it out in the "Papajohns.com Bowl"? (Rutgers & NC State) Or the two annual power-houses that fought to the death in the "MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl"? (South Florida & Memphis) Do the fans of those teams really even care that much? If you want to keep these piss-ant bowls for pee-on schools I don't care. But please for the love of all that's decent give the fans (and majority of coaches) what they really want...a playoff system. I personally prefer a 16 team playoff but I'd be more than happy with 12 or 8 teams. Here's how you do the 16 team version:

1. The champions of the eight following conferences receive automatic bids into the playoffs: ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big 10, Pac 10, Southeastern, Mountain West and WAC. All of these conferences must institute a conference championship game. No team in these conferences are allowed to play more than 11 regular season games or less than 10.
2. The remaining eight teams, regardless of conference, will be selected by using the current BCS ranking system (don't want to put those computers out of work.)
3. Playoffs start the weekend following the conference championships.
4. The first three rounds will all be played using the 14 largest existing bowl games (the NCAA can determine the 14 on their own).
5. The championship game can be held on a rotating basis.

And there you have it: A legitimate national champion.

And don't give me the ridiculous arguments currently in use against playoffs:
Argument Against: It would add too many games for the student athletes involved.
Argument For: Let's be realistic if you're playing football on a "scholarship" at one of these major schools your major is football. And all the minor NCAA conferences already have playoffs.

Argument Against: It would lessen the importance of the regular season games.
Argument For: Again I call BS. For example Texas beat Oklahoma during the regular season but thanks to a silly tie-breaking system in the Big 12 Oklahoma ended up going to the conference championship game and going on to the BCS Title game (which they lost). So in reality how important was it to Texas to have won that regular season game when a team like Texas is playing for one thing, a National Title. Anything else is a disappointment.

So please give the fans and the schools the playoff system they deserve.

The Last Straw

Thanks to the greatness of the Golf Channel I have the opportunity to watch quite a bit of the PGA tournaments and having watched a lot of the PGA Championship (the last major of the year) this week something has finally gotten on my nerves to the point where I'm ready to climb to the top of a tower with a sniper rifle.

Dorks shouting at the top of their lungs, "GET IN THE HOLE!" or "YOU 'DA MAN!" This has been going on for several years now. I always thought, hoped, prayed that eventually it would end on its own. But it hasn't. Now even women are doing it. So now these morons are forcing me, as Sports Czar, to issue this edict: From this day forward no individual attending a televised PGA tournament will be allowed to voice at any volume the phrases "GET IN THE HOLE!" or "YOU 'DA MAN!".

From now on I will have undercover Czar agents at all tournaments stationed throughout the course listening for violators of this law. These agents will be carrying cattle prods and will be fully authorized to dispense the following punishments:

Anyone screaming "YOU 'DA MAN!" at any point on any golf course during a televised tournament will receive one jolt from the cattle prod and be immediately thrown off the course into on-coming traffic if possible.

Anyone screaming "GET IN THE HOLE!" from a par 3 tee box or after a putt will receive two jolts from the cattle prod and be dumped feet first into the nearest port-a-potty.

Anyone screaming "GET IN THE HOLE!" from the tee box of a par 4 or par 5 will receive three jolts from the cattle prod and be dumped head first into the nearest port-a-potty.

When this practice first started it was mildly amusing. Congratulating your favorite golfer on hitting a monster drive or believing you can intimidate a golf ball into falling into the cup by screaming at it loud enough were fun things for fans to do at golf tournaments. Now it's just gotten to be obnoxious. Screaming "YOU 'DA MAN!" when Tiger takes a drink of Gatorade or yelling "GET IN THE HOLE!" when Mickelson tees off on a 650 yard par 5 is just plain stupid!

So thanks to the legions of idiots at golf tournaments that think they're the first people to ever yell these phrases I'm having to put a stop to it for the betterment of the game and to save the sanity of the viewers at home.

Travel For FREE! (One-Way)

Apparently all you have to do to travel to ANY destination in the world is be homeless in New York City. Since 2007 NYC has paid to send over 550 families to any destination in the world as long as they have family or friends that are willing to take them in once they get there. NY officials say it's cheaper to ship them out than it is to house them in the city's shelters. To house a family in a shelter for a year is $36,000. A one-way ticket to Paris, France is $6500.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/29/nyregion/29oneway.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper

What I would like to know is this: If I move to New York and don't have a place to stay can I get them to send me to Tahiti or Bermuda? Somewhere in the Caribbean would be fine. I'm sure I can find a "relative" there that would agree to let me sleep on their couch until I get my secluded beach-side hut built. Maybe I'll even open up a rum bar and serve over-priced drinks with little umbrellas in them to all the tourists. Maybe I'll even learn to play the guitar and become the next Jimmy Buffet. I've even got a name for the place, "Skeeter's Surf Shack".

Of course since this generous offer only applies to families I'll need to find a Mrs. Skeeter before I head off. If you meet the following criteria please send your application with a photo to this web-site: Applicants must be female between the ages of 21 and 24, never married, no children, super-model beautiful, and have the career goal of hanging out in a surf-side lounge all day serving drinks to tourists that have more money than good sense.

Well, since I've got all the details worked out I better get started packing. With a little luck my next blog entry will be made from my lap-top while I'm laying out on the beach with my new bride, Buffy.

That Explains It.

Well my friends I was as shocked as all of you were when Tiger The Great missed the cut at the British Open. As Supreme High Chancellor of all things sport I was in attendance at Turnberry to watch the first couple of rounds of this golfing major and I couldn't believe the monumental meltdown I was witnessing.

When round two finally concluded and it was official that Tiger had missed the cut I was on my way to order the R&A officials to adjust the cut line so that the greatest golfer ever could continue playing. As I was approaching their offices I happened to run into Tiger and I had to ask him, "What happened?" Tiger proceeded to tell me that he had intentionally missed the cut in order to give fellow golfing great, Tom Watson, a chance at winning one last major. If you remember Tom started out having a pretty rough day on the front nine and by the time he was making the turn it was looking like if he continued playing that way he would miss the cut. Tiger had began his round and was holding back around E or +1 waiting to see if Tom would get his game back together. And sure enough Tom started turning things around on the back nine and had a fine second round.

So as Tiger explained it to me he decided the best way to give Tom the stage all to himself this weekend was for him to miss the cut. Tiger asked me not to tell this to anyone but I thought that such a sporting gesture on his part warranted letting people know. I dare say you'd never find another professional athlete that would intentionally DQ himself in order to give an aging colleague one final chance at victory before the competitive flame is completely extinguished.

So kudos to Tiger for making such a selfless sacrifice in order to give Tom Watson sole posession of the spotlight this weekend. Good luck Tom. Don't let Tiger's sacrifice be in vain.

Say It Ain't So, Romo!

As a general rule the amount of concern I have regarding celebrity break-ups can be measured in micro give-a-damns. But when one of the celebrities involved is the starting QB of my favorite pro team the meter actually registers enough for me to form an opinion or two on the subject.

According to the journalistic authority known as 'Us' magazine the celebrity duo of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have called it quits. It appears they broke up on the eve of Jessica's 29th birthday party which was to have a "Barbie & Ken" theme. Hmm...I wonder if that could have had anything to do with it? Tony is 30 years old and his 29 year old girlfriend was having a "Barbie" themed party. Don't girls usually grow out of that sort of thing around the age of ten or eleven? I realize that a celebrity like Jessica doesn't live in the same reality as the rest of us but couldn't she have come up with a better idea than that for an adult birthday party? I would imagine that the morning of the party Tony Romo woke up and looked in the mirror and said to himself, "I just can't go through with dressing up like a Ken doll and having that picture in the tabloids and then reporting to NFL training camp."

Romo is a college graduate and from everything I read about him he's very intelligent. Jessica seems to be a genuinely sweet girl and she's drop-dead gorgeous but, God bless her, she doesn't appear to be the brightest penny in the jar. According to "sources" this break-up was a long time coming. Apparently the couple went from one argument to another without a break in between. And the source also said, "With Jessica it's always something." And that right there was probably the crux of the problem. I'd be willing to bet Jessica is VERY high maintenance. She probably had to be attached to him at all times. And when they weren't together she was probably sending him text messages that read, "Miss you. Miss me?" And he probably had to explain to her on more than one occasion why he couldn't talk to her during a game.

So I guess there is some truth to the old saying, "No matter how pretty she is some one, some where is tired of putting up with her crap." I just hope that now with one less distraction on his mind Tony can concentrate on football a little more. At times during his career here in Dallas he's seemed more interested in the fame associated with being the Cowboys QB than actually being the Cowboys QB. If you're going to be a success at this level and take your team all the way to the Super Bowl you've got to have a one track mind and the only item on that track has to be football. Now if he would just assign a little less importance to trying to qualify for the Byron Nelson or the US Open he probably could take the Cowboys to the next level. Or at least win a playoff game. There will be plenty of time for Tony to play golf when he retires. Right now the one and only thing that matters is winning football games.

All Hail Tiger The Great.

I really enjoy the game of golf. Watching it as well as playing it. The problem with playing it is I really suck at it. That's why I'm so fascinated by how effortless the pros make it look. One pro in particular, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.

I can testify first hand as to how hard it is to hit that little white ball with a long stick and make said ball go where you want it to go. It is probably the most difficult activity I've ever participated in. And it's so frustrating when that little white ball doesn't cooperate that it would even challenge the patience of a saint. So for Tiger to be able to do this as good as he does it and as consistently as he does it I'm ready to proclaim him the greatest golfer of all time at the ripe old age of 33. I've compiled a few stats to back up my proclamation even though I am the reigning Sports Czar and I don't have to explain my decrees to any mortal being.

CAREER PGA TOUR WINS
1. Sam Snead (82) 2. Jack Nicklaus (73) 3. Tiger Woods (68) 4. Ben Hogan (64) 5. Arnold Palmer (62) 6. Byron Nelson (52) 7. Billy Casper (51) 8. Walter Hagen (44) 9. Cary Middlecoff (40) 10. Gene Sarazen (39)
As I'm sure you will notice Tiger is the only player in the top ten that is still playing. The next closest active player is Phil Mickelson with 36 wins. And keep in mind Tiger is only 33 years old and has only been playing professionally since 1996! While Phil is already 39 and turned pro in 1992.

CAREER PROFESSIONAL MAJOR WINS
1. Jack Nicklaus (18) 2. Tiger Woods (14) 3. Walter Hagen (11) T4. Ben Hogan (9) T4. Gary Player (9) 6. Tom Watson (8) Five others tied with seven majors each.
This is probably the most important stat when figuring a golfer's greatness. Again, Tiger is the only active player with more than three major victories. All 14 of Tiger's wins came before the age of 33. Jack won his last major in 1986 at the age of 46.

YEARLY MONEY LEADERS
Between 1996 & 2008 Tiger has been the leading money winner eight out of thirteen seasons! Vijay Singh three times, David Duval & Tom Lehman once each. And just recently I read where Tiger's career earnings (wins, endorsements, etc) are about to top the $1 Billion mark. That's a 1 followed by nine zeroes! Maybe President Obama should hit Tiger up for some bail-out money.

These are just some of the most glaring stats I've pointed out. Tiger is the leader (or close to it) in several other PGA Tour statistical categories. But to me it's the over whelming domination of his peers in these three categories that has prompted me, Czar Skeeter I - Imperial Grand Commissioner of All Things Sport, to hereby proclaim Eldrick "Tiger" Woods the greatest golfer in the history of the world.

It Can't Get Any Worse...Can It?

This is truly the final sign that the apocalypse is upon us: Nadya Suleman, the infamous "octomom", has inked a deal with the British production company Eyeworks, which plans to begin filming a reality TV series based on the human Pez dispenser and her 14 turkey-baster children.

I surrender. The level of stupidity has just exceeded what the meter is capable of registering. It's a travesty that this stupid bimbo is being rewarded for irresponsible and unacceptable behavior. Besides, isn't child prostitution illegal? So far there haven't been any takers among the American TV networks. Let's just pray that doesn't change. The last thing America needs is another "reality" show based on the life of some idiot who has never made a positive contribution to society and shows no capacity for ever doing so.

Suleman told 'People' magazine, "I'm really excited about moving forward with this." Really? Imagine that. The unemployed baby factory is excited that someone wants to pay her for having done something so unimaginably stupid. And if the whole TV deal weren't bad enough it just got worse. Suleman has just recently finalized a deal with ghostwriter Wendy Leigh to write her autobiography! I'd be willing to bet she had to hire a ghostwriter because she couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted her the 'c' and the 't'.

I'd like to suggest the following: 1) The execs at Eyeworks and Wendy Leigh should be exiled to the Antarctic wearing nothing but bathing suits for promoting this moron and validating her socially degrading behavior. 2) The California courts should seriously look at taking these 14 children away from their psychopath mother and placing them with adoptive families who would love them and raise them with proper moral values and not exploit them as a meal ticket. 3) The doctor that artificially inseminated her should be beaten with a brick bat for helping this mental midget conceive eight more children when she already had six others that she couldn't take care of. 4) Nadya Suleman's uterus should be removed, burned and the ashes scattered at sea so she can never do something this asinine again!

When is the dumbing down of society going to stop? We're heading toward a future where intellect is shunned and the half-witted cretins will rule the world. Shouldn't we have matured past this sort of thing by now? When I was 12 seeing monkeys fling feces at each other in the zoo was funny. Now it's just gross. Maybe if we start ignoring stupidity of this magnitude it will go away. I beg of you don't ever watch even two seconds of this TV show and by no means ever purchase and/or read the book. If you're one of the fools that buys into this garbage you're even dumber than she is.

Activist or Douche-Bag? You Decide.

What do polio, the bombing of Pearl Harbor and video games have in common? Well, if you're a mature, rational adult they have nothing in common. But if you're FORMER attorney, whining activist and dork Jack Thompson then crippling diseases and sneak attack bombings are a picnic compared to video games.

"Grand Theft Auto is the worst assault on children since polio," says the FORMER attorney who was permanently disbarred in Florida in 2008 for inappropriate conduct, including making false statements to tribunals and disparaging and humiliating litigants. Hmm, worst assault on children since polio...never mind hunger, homelessness, abuse, abandonment and myriad other diseases that afflict children. If we could just get rid of Grand Theft Auto then all children could live "Happily ever after." I'm not sure what Jack is smoking but I'm pretty certain it's not for sale legally in the United States. Polio is a disease that attacks the nervous system causing everything from temporary paralysis to a slow agonizing death. Polio can leave the person infected with it unable to breath on their own and force them into an "iron lung" for anywhere from a few weeks to the rest of their lives. But hey, how bad is being in an iron lung compared to the horrors of GTA?

Thompson has described the proliferation of games by Sony, a Japanese company, as "Pearl Harbor 2". For those of you not familiar with Pearl Harbor 1 it happened on December 7, 1941 when the Japanese Navy launched a sneak attack against the US Naval Base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. By the time the attack was over the US had lost four battleships, three cruisers, three destroyers, one mine-layer, 188 aircraft, and caused personnel losses of 2,402 killed and 1,282 wounded. Oh, and it also led the US to take direct military action against the Axis Powers for the next four years in a little squabble known as World War II. But again, according to Mr. Thompson, this pales in comparison to the carnage being wrought by the gaming industry.

Note to Mr. Thompson: Shut the hell up!! If you've got issues with violent video games that's fine. Your view on the issue is so far out in right field that you can't even be seen by the fans sitting behind home plate. Please for the love of all that's decent stop comparing violent games to degenerative diseases and military engagements where brave men and women died defending their country.

I am a video game geek. I enjoy all types of games including the violent ones. Would I let my ten year old play them? Of course not. Nor would I let my ten year old go into an adult book store or watch a rated 'R' movie. These games are rated 'M' for mature for a reason and they should not be sold to anyone under 17. But it's not the fault of the game producers for making these games it's the fault of the parents if they let their kids play these games. Blaming game makers for kids playing these games would be like me blaming McDonald's for my expansive back-side. So moms and dads take responsibility for what your children see and hear and maybe jack-ass idiots like Jack Thompson will get bored and go play in traffic.

Bonny Eagle High BOZOS!

This has to be in the top two most unfair, ridiculous, overreacting, block-headed things I've ever heard of! This happened at Bonny Eagle High School in Standish, Maine. Here we have an auditorium full of seniors and their families bursting with excitement because they're about to close one big chapter of their lives and begin an even bigger chapter. One young man, Justin Denney, was waiting to receive his diploma and when his name was called he took a bow and blew a kiss to his family and friends. Nothing outrageous, no obscene gestures and he didn't drop his pants and moon the school board. No, he blew a kiss to his family and then District Superintendent Suzanne Lukas told Justin to return to his seat and told him he would not be receiving his diploma!

Prior to the ceremony students and parents signed agreements that there would not be any "misbehavior" during graduation. I've watched the video of this "incident" http://www.fox5vegas.com/education/19766393/detail.html and this young man did nothing to warrant having a petty, power drunk school administrator withhold his diploma. She had no right to deny Justin his diploma and deny his family seeing him graduate.

I could understand his diploma being withheld if he had behaved in an inappropriate manner but his actions were not inappropriate by any definition of the word. All Justin wants is what he deserves, his diploma. All his mother wants is what she deserves, to see her son graduate and to receive an apology from this Bozo Superintendent.

So far this tyrannical administrator has not issued any statements, talked to any media or done the right thing by giving Justin his diploma. So maybe we can help these people out. Here's some contact information for Bonny Eagle High School:

BEHS Website: http://www.sad6.k12.me.us/behs/index
Superintendent, Suzanne Lukas: slukas@sad6.k12.me.us
Principle, Beth Schultz: bschultz@sad6.k12.me.us
Asst. Principal, Lori Napolitano: lnapolitano@sad6.k12.me.us
Asst Principal, Kevin Harrington: kharrington@sad6.k12.me.us
Asst Principal, Mike LaGage: mlegage@sad6.k12.me.us

Let's carpet bomb these people with e-mails and/or phone calls and gently persuade them to climb down off their high horse and do the right thing.

I Am Xenu. You Will Be Assimilated.

OK, if you happen to be reading this and you're a Scientologist prepare to be pissed off.
Recently, while watching the History Channel, I saw a very interesting commercial telling me that I could be happy. That my life could be so much more. That I could know the "Truth". Well, for a millisecond I actually thought the "Truth" being referred to was the word of God as given to us by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ...boy was I mistaken. This "Truth" was the word of L. Ron Hubbard as given to us by L. Ron Hubbard who wasn't anything but a failed naval officer, an alcoholic and a mediocre science fiction writer.

I'm by no means an expert, but like any good blogger I turned to the greatness of Wikipedia to do a little research. Most of what I already knew about Scientology I learned from a very funny episode of "South Park" that pissed off Scientologists so much they threatened legal action of every form and fashion. The reason it pissed them off so much I've learned is because it was TRUE! These people are absolutely, certifiably NUTS!! The following is a very small fraction of what these lunatics actually believe.

Xenu was, according to science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in DC 8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. Scientology holds that the essences of these many people (Thetans) remained, and that they form around people in modern times, causing them spiritual harm.

The Xenu story is part of the Church of Scientology's secret "Advanced Technology", normally only revealed to members who have already contributed large amounts of money. The Church avoids mention of Xenu in public statements and has gone to considerable effort to maintain the story's confidentiality, including legal action on the grounds of both copyright and trade secrecy. Despite this, much material on Xenu has leaked to the public via court documents, copies of Hubbard's notes, and the Internet.

To me this sounds like the script for a really bad 1950's sci-fi movie. I mean it was conceived by a science fiction writer, right? Let me boil this down to a simple fact: If you are a follower of this nonsense you are following the teachings of a person that wrote science fiction stories! Hubbard was a writer! This crap sprang forth from his imagination! The problem isn't the science fiction story. I love sci-fi. I'm a sci-fi geek. The problem is the guy that imagined it was so mentally unstable that he started believing it! Then he actually got other idiots to believe it! And what about this little nugget: In 1967, Hubbard resigned as executive director of the Church and appointed himself "Commodore" of a small fleet of Scientologist-crewed ships that spent the next eight years cruising the Mediterranean Sea. During this time, Hubbard formed the religious order known as the "Sea Organization" or "Sea Org" with titles and uniforms. He was attended by "Commodore's Messengers"; teenage girls who performed various tasks for him, such as fixing his shower, dressing him, and catching the ash from his cigarettes.

I could go on for days about the other things this lunatic did and believed but back to the TV commercial. If these dorks are advertising again that means their membership is down and they're not raking in the cash like they were. And Tom Cruise and John Travolta can't fund this cult by themselves. Now we have a whole new generation of mental midgets exposed to this nonsense. So here's what I'm proposing: If you're approached by someone wanting to tell you about the life changing miracle of "Dianetics" (or whatever garbage they're selling now) simply smile, say no thanks and then with all the strength you can possibly muster SLAP THE STUPID OUT THEM! And If I turn up missing in the next few days check the trunk of Tom Cruise's car.

My Campaign to be Sports Czar

My fellow Earthicans. I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the office of Imperial Grand Commissioner of All Things Sport. This job will come with the daunting task of fixing everything that's broke in sports. It's a massive job but I'm up to it! Here are some of the changes I will implement during my first 100 days in office (this is a life-time post).

Performance Enhancing Substances - Any player in any sport at any level found to be using/used PES's will be banned from all sport for life, have any official records purged from the record books, forced to work the night shift at Denny's as a wait-person dealing with the drunks that come in at 3am & always stiff on the tip. Minimum sentence 20 years and a boot to the head.
Gambling - Any player, coach, referee, umpire, judge or official of any sport at any level found to be wagering on their sport will be banned from all sport for life, forced to work on the loading dock at Home Depot for a minimum of 20 years and receive a boot to the head.
Rooting Requirements of the Fan - In order for a particular team to be your favorite team you must meet the following requirements:
1. You must reside or have resided in the city or state where that team is located. If there is no team in your state you must root for the team located the closest to your residence.
2. If rooting for a college team you must reside/resided in that school's city or state. If there is no MAJOR college in your state you must root for the school located the closest to your residence. If you take classes on-line from a particular school you are allowed to root for that team.
3. Just because a family member can legally root for a team does not mean you are allowed to do so.
Any person found to be rooting illegally will not be allowed access to a TV whenever that team is playing, any team branded apparel will be confiscated and the offender will receive a boot to the head.
Proper Wearing of Baseball or Baseball Style Caps - Baseball caps will be worn with the bill to the front and level at ALL times. The only exceptions are:
1. Boys under the age of six are permitted to wear them backwards but are not allowed to wear them sideways.
2. The person playing the position of catcher in baseball or softball is allowed to wear their cap backwards only while playing that position in the field.
3. Females of any age are allowed to wear their hats backwards but they may not wear them sideways.
Any person found to be in violation of this rule will have their hats confiscated, fined $500 and receive a boot to the head.
General Manager of the Dallas Cowboys - Jerry Jones is hereby ordered to relinquish all coaching personnel and player personnel authority. He is also banned from appearing on the sidelines at any point while the game is in progress. Failure to follow this edict will result in a $500 million fine, his toupee being removed in public and a boot to the head.
Ownership of the Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban is hereby banned from sitting court side at any and all Mavericks games. Mr. Cuban will be required to sit in his private booth (a minimum of 300 feet from the court) during the game and will be kept under armed guard for the duration of the game. He is also required to get a hairstyle befitting an adult worth millions of dollars. Failure to follow this edict will result in a $1 billion fine, a public head shaving and a boot to the head.
NFL Title Recognition - The only NFL championships that will be recognized are those won in the Super Bowl era. IE If a fan gets in someones face because their team won the 1922 league title they will be fined $100 and receive a boot to the head.
Fan Taunting - It is not permissible to taunt the fan of another team if your team has won fewer championships. IE A fan of the New Orleans Saints is not permitted to get in the face of a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Violators of this rule are subject to a $250 fine and a boot to the head.
Player Taunting - If a member of a team that is being severely beaten makes a great play and taunts the members of the other team the offending player will be banned without pay for the remainder of the season, kicked in the groin by the opposing players, fined $10,000 and booted in the head.

These are just some of the rules and regulations I plan on implementing immediately. These changes will not come easily but with the help of decent sports fans everywhere I'm confident we will clean up the sports world and make things better for everyone.

Geeks are NOT Nerds. Nerds are for Dorks.

OK friends let get something straight: There are Geeks and there are Nerds and us Geeks do not like being associated with Nerds. The main difference is that Geeks get it done. "It" being whatever undertaking we happen to be participating in.
A Geek is a person who is interested in technology, especially computing, gaming and new gadgets. A Geek is a person who has chosen concentration rather than conformity; one who passionately pursues skill (especially technical skill) and imagination, not mainstream social acceptance.
Geeks are found in all areas of expertise. There are physics geeks, sports geeks, gaming geeks, movie geeks, engineering geeks, sci-fi geeks, music geeks, history geeks, ...you get the picture. Anything that you might be passionate about you can add the word geek after it and that describes who you are.

Nerds on the other hand may be knowledgeable in the fields previously mentioned (or any other) but they don't do anything with that knowledge except talk to other nerds about how cool it would be to do such and such. Nerds don't know how to socially interact. Nerds work at Radio Shack. Whereas that really cool guy or chick you met at the bar last night could be a geek about something and you'd never know it unless you got to know them.
Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak, Steve Jobs, Robert Goddard, Alan Shepard, Orville & Wilbur Wright were all geeks. If these people had been nerds we wouldn't have computers, video games, iPods, cell phones, airplanes, space flight or any number of devices that make our lives easier and more enjoyable.

So the next time some pencil pushing dork at the DMV pisses you off PLEASE don't compliment him by calling him a geek. Call it like it is and let him know he's a NERD! And tonight when you turn off your 50"-1080p HD plasma TV with Dolby 7.1 surround sound be sure to get on your knees and thank God for all your blessings and don't forget to thank him for all the Geeks who at some point in history said, "Won't it be cool when I get this thing to work."